Loss...

I've debated this post the last few days. But then the words from a kind friend kept ringing back in my mind "rachel you don't have to be okay. Pursue haiti, pursue Harper full force, but this baby is a loss and that loss will never leave you, and that is ok"... I hope I can get these words out like I mean them and no one takes it wrong. I have never had a miscarriage, my heart breaks for the women who have. I know that loss must be unbelievably devestating. I also know from my friends and sister who have suffered miscarriages is that a part of the tragedy in addition to the death, the physical pain and turmoil is the loss of hope. You see as guarded as our hearts were to this domestic adoption. As many times as we told ourselves it may not work out, we had hope it would. We were counting down the days and weeks until her due date (December 19) just to know "for sure" this baby was meant for us. So when it all came crashing down, when we knew deep in our hearts this baby wasn't ours and days later when our heads finally accepted it the loss of hope set in. That devestation wrapped around me and I felt hopeless. I wept, Kevin too. Friends surrounded me in prayer and arms of love. People listened and continue to listen. I have mourned this baby. Mourning not knowing where it will end up. Mourning the selfish womb it's growing in. Mourning its future. Mourning me never knowing it's future-( revelation 21:4 "he will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be Mourning, nor crying not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away") God's plans aren't mine.(Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans for welfare and not for evil to give you future and hope) He holds my future in his hand. God is holding this precious life in his hand. The hard part is me placing that child in his mighty hand, again and again. Please join us this December and every December as you hug and kiss your babe's and watch them open gifts, pray for this child- pray wherever it ends up it is so loved and treasured and more then anything pointed towards Christ daily. Knowing it is being covered in prayer for the rest of their lives makes the pain of not being their mother almost bearable... Pray for my heart, pray for my own mind that God will give me peace, pray that Harper will come home soon and the rest of our adoption will be without distraction or incident, pray that this baby won't be forgotten in any of our hearts.

Heavy hearted

We come to you all today with heavy hearts. We have walked a road for a few months with a very sad women, a broken women, a drug addicted women who sees no value in herself. A women who we strove to speak truth to, who we shared God's words with, who we prayed for. A women carrying a child we hoped to be ours. That same women made the same promise to another family, and maybe several other families. While carrying a helpless life within her she is using that life to manipulate families with the promise of adoption at the end. When we found this all out we knew we had to step away. But obviously that decision was not easy, because there is still life within her womb a baby, a soul that MATTERS and that baby I'd being born to a mother who seems to not care about it at all,and in all likely hood will not be allowed to keep it, in my mind that seems unjust and unfair. And I have wept for that child. I have wept for its mother and I have wept for myself and my husband... even though I wasn't carrying this child it still feels very much like a loss. We are grasping for thanksgiving though and therefore we have looked at this whole awful situation and found reasons for thankfulness, we ask that you Praise God with us for these things: 1.our eyes are more open to the brokenness in our world, we can no longer live in a bubble of our church friends and ignore the evil, addiction and poverty that is others daily lives. 2. We are walking away financially unscathed, God protected the funds we raised and we are so THANKFUL. The other families involved were not that lucky. 3. We shared Christ with this mother. This is 2 fold- 1 whenever God's name is spoken it brings him glory and His name has been spoken again and again throughout this process. Also even if I never speak to this mom again,we have shared Christ's love with her and maybe just maybe it has planted a seed in her heart and someday she will come to know him! Her soul matters. 4. So many have come to love this baby, and even if it never knows us and we never know them this baby has been loved, prayed for and will continue to be prayed for. 5. God has worked our hearts. He brought us to our knees before him again and again. He has shown his love for us again and again through so many who love him and we are so thankful for all who have come around us during this journey. 6. God has sealed our hearts for Haiti. He has sealed our hearts for the orphan. He has sealed our hearts for Haiti. Where we go from here: We ask that you pray for us throughout this loss. We ask that you join us in praying for this birth mom and her unborn child. As excited as we were to adopt this baby there was a part of my heart that was sad to not adopt from haiti (maybe God's voice quietly telling us our daughter was in Haiti all along), and we are EXCITED to get back on track with bringing Harper home, we can't wait to know her face, her smell and her voice. Pray specifically over november 21 and our silent auction and pancake dinner that God's presence would be obvious and his provision apparent.