Loss...

I've debated this post the last few days. But then the words from a kind friend kept ringing back in my mind "rachel you don't have to be okay. Pursue haiti, pursue Harper full force, but this baby is a loss and that loss will never leave you, and that is ok"... I hope I can get these words out like I mean them and no one takes it wrong. I have never had a miscarriage, my heart breaks for the women who have. I know that loss must be unbelievably devestating. I also know from my friends and sister who have suffered miscarriages is that a part of the tragedy in addition to the death, the physical pain and turmoil is the loss of hope. You see as guarded as our hearts were to this domestic adoption. As many times as we told ourselves it may not work out, we had hope it would. We were counting down the days and weeks until her due date (December 19) just to know "for sure" this baby was meant for us. So when it all came crashing down, when we knew deep in our hearts this baby wasn't ours and days later when our heads finally accepted it the loss of hope set in. That devestation wrapped around me and I felt hopeless. I wept, Kevin too. Friends surrounded me in prayer and arms of love. People listened and continue to listen. I have mourned this baby. Mourning not knowing where it will end up. Mourning the selfish womb it's growing in. Mourning its future. Mourning me never knowing it's future-( revelation 21:4 "he will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be Mourning, nor crying not pain anymore, for the former things have passed away") God's plans aren't mine.(Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans for welfare and not for evil to give you future and hope) He holds my future in his hand. God is holding this precious life in his hand. The hard part is me placing that child in his mighty hand, again and again. Please join us this December and every December as you hug and kiss your babe's and watch them open gifts, pray for this child- pray wherever it ends up it is so loved and treasured and more then anything pointed towards Christ daily. Knowing it is being covered in prayer for the rest of their lives makes the pain of not being their mother almost bearable... Pray for my heart, pray for my own mind that God will give me peace, pray that Harper will come home soon and the rest of our adoption will be without distraction or incident, pray that this baby won't be forgotten in any of our hearts.