thoughts of a 34 week pregnant momma

We are 41 days from our 2nd boy and 4th childs due date. I am getting excited! No, I AM excited! Not many things make me get as giddy or smile as big as thinking about holding that squishy, sweet, perfectly new newborn babe! I must admit that this pregnancy hasn't been without some stresses. First let me say... I have had a very healthy pregnancy thus far-in fact this is my 4th very healthy pregnancy and for that I praise the Lord! Second I have birthed via induction and epidural and I have birthed all natural, intervention free-for me I am in love with natural childbirth, I love the team it makes of me and Kevin, I love the reliance it forces me to have fully on God to give me the strength to keep going even when the pain seems to much, I love being so in tune with my body and experiencing every ounce of the miracle of their birthday. That isn't a judgment on Mothers who have chosen, or had it chosen for them, to birth their children differently- every birth is beautiful, and a healthy mom and baby are the ultimate goal! With that said, around 20 weeks my midwife, Lauren, (who delivered Reiter, who was once a NICU nurse and who I not only admire as a midwife, but consider a friend)told me that she was moving away. I knew there was a good chance I would not have her at Fischers delivery anyways, but I like going to see the same person at my check ups. I like feeling like they know me. I like feeling like they know my feelings/beliefs when it comes to my unborn child. So needless to say I left the office that day disappointed! I was told I would receive a new primary and I would "love" her. After that I really started searching and praying about something I had thought about over and over... a home birth (hold the judgment please)... the rates on homebirth success is AWESOME. I would really know my midwife and have that relationship I so want for the person sharing in this intimate experience with us. I could stay home, where I am most comfortable! I would be allowed to birth in water vs just laboring and as water really helped with pain control during Sofias birth (the 1 tub the hospital has was being used when I had Rei so it wasn't even an option) where at the hospital would make me get out of the tub when it was time to push, which is less then appealing! So a dear friend of mine, Mandy, who had a home birth with her 2nd and I began talking about it. And she (because she is an awesome prayer warrior) began praying for us, I didn't want to make this decision lightly. Then she gave me some people to call and some valuable information. I called a couple home birth midwives and found one who would be available. So I set up an appointment to "interview" with her, and started to get excited! Kevin started praying- he had more concerns then I but said he would go to the interview and discuss them and if I was confident he was supportive (because he is wonderful)... then the midwife mentioned most health insurances don't cover homebirth except as "out of network". Next I called my insurance... here comes blow #2... my insurance covers NO out of network. So that means I can deliver at home and pay it fully out of pocket ($3500)or deliver in the hospital (which will cost my insurance thousands) and pay closer to 1000 out of pocket. How does this make sense! I hate that my insurance is what finally dictated the decision to deliver in the hospital, but it was! I am trusting it was Gods clearest way of telling us where Fischers birth should be and trusting it will work out! So back to my original hospital midwives I went. Let me just say it has been annoying. Here I am 34 weeks and have yet to meet this new primary of mine. Instead I have seen everyone in the practice I think. My appointments are less then 10 minutes and include little to no "small talk"... I feel like a number, being a number is NOT why I chose to deliver with midwives. I leave my appointments with mixed emotions, happy Fischer is still growing, happy he is healthy, sad I feel like I've practically been at this practice for 2 years ( between Rei and Fischer) and I can not even figure out who my primary is, like no one knows or cares. It makes me nervous vs confident about this impending birth. My friend suggested (mandy again) praying for very specific things concerning his birth. This was the BEST suggestion. This has eased even my biggest anxieties, this has reminded me that Fischer and his birthday is in Gods hand. He is Gods child. Here is what I have prayed over and over, please join me in praying these things for his birth as well, but more then anything that I will trust Gods plan NO MATTER WHAT! Prayers For Fischer: 1. a healthy full term baby 2. No need for an induction 3. a trust in my body that allows me to labor at home but also good judgment to know when it is time to head to the hospital. 4.a delivery nurse who is kind and compassionate about natural birth vs judgmental and having preconceived notions about what a person going for a natural birth is like. 5. a Midwife on call I connect with 6. a relaxed and quiet/supportive environment to labor in 7. a tub available to labor in 8. the presence of God being so evident no one can deny his existence 9. an ability to Praise God for the ability to birth my children even when the pain feels overwhelming 10. No need for Pitocin, specifically because of post partum bleeding- a problem I faced with Reiter. 11. That I will rely on Kevin and Janice as my support people and that they would know the words to say and ways to comfort me and give me confidence in my own body! 12. that I will allow no anxieties to enter my mind, I will trust the medical staff, Kevin, Janice and God and just allow my body to relax through the experience so my contractions can be most effective, that I will be allowed and able to catch him, I love the idea of being the 1st to touch him! 13. that the experience will end in me holding my sweet son, nothing but smiles :) THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS... We look forward to the rest of this journey and mostly to welcoming our new son!